What Now?

It doesn’t get any easier does it? I remember growing up thinking life was so simple, so linear. You wake up, go do your work for the day, see your family, friends, go to school, graduate, get married, die. I knew there was unpredictable events, but through the years, it gets harder and harder.

When you’re young, for example, if someone passes away, you grieve but continue life, as you didn’t really recognize the importance of that life in your parents, family, etc. It was just another person. As a teen, it’s the same but just a bit harder, watching someone you’ve had your entire life just disappear, never to be seen, held, or heard again, but you have your distractions of growing up. Now in my early twenties, a loss of a life, one barely even touched or one that you’ve cherished, hits harder than I’d like to be comfortable with. The idea of losing something that was never yours completely, but the understanding that a loss isn’t just yours, but an entire communities. A person is not just a person themselves, but a person built of the people around them.

When I lost my grandmother and grandfather, I have never felt such pain to see my own mother and father and their siblings grieve a parent. Their spouse grieve their love. A cousin grieving what reminded them of childhood. A community of friends and strangers, remembering fond memories that will only live on as memories. People that were changed simply by a presence. I have felt a strong longing of something no longer visible, but only felt through emotion.

Though I still am learning to find balance, I grieve knowing I will never have enough time with anyone I value. The people, past and present, that have made a life within mine. The invisible strings. The irreversible love that was felt through every conversation, every encounter. The thought of loss is something I can’t comprehend. I want to be able to love, to change those around me simply by my presence as they have done to me. I worry that time is running out, that no matter how much I do to slow down time, that there might not be a tomorrow. Nothing is a given anymore. It’s no longer simple…

What now? Where do you go from here when you come to the realization but not the acceptance that change is inevitable. That everything comes and goes. You can ride with the waves of life, or you can sit and watch it fade.. but whatever you choose, will it ever be enough?