The Devolution

Isn’t it ironic that often you become the person who previously hurt you? You become the person you said you hoped you would never be. You become someone you no longer see yourself in; you see the worst of who you could be. Why? Why do we turn into the thing we wish we would never become? Or is it that you have to devolve to revolve?

Am I really who I want to be? Did I become the person who hurt me? Am I hurting people the same way that I was hurt… I find myself questioning these things. Similar to Darwin’s idea of the survival of the fittest, do we evolve to become harder than we were before our troubles? Is it a misconception to think that we become better because of all we go through?

I wholeheartedly believe that the way each person sees the world is how they inherently see themselves. I, myself, can feel the best and worst of myself in other people and the world. The optimism in the eyes of my friends, the uncontrollable amounts of joy that are brought by small moments, the shed of hope in the dreams shared with my loved ones. That is the version of me I simply adore. I find love because of the way I love. I find joy because I have felt it before. Yet the people and ideas that bring out the absolute worst in me, is that my character? The people who lie, who cheat, who are incapable of things I know I am, is that my fear that I see in other people? Is that who I am; who I uncontrollably devolve into when I get lost in the darkness and despair in my life? The pent-up anger, the undeniable destruction within myself. Does pain and terror ever go away, or do you just learn to adapt?

It is a terrifying world I live in mentally; a never-ending fight, yet I find peace in the chaos. I have been someone I fought so hard not to be lately, yet through this change in my life, I believe that I am better for it. I have become the person who hurt me. The disregard for how people feel solely because why should I make them comfortable when they are hurting me? Why should I console the people who don’t even wait for me to tie my shoes? Why do I fight for people who wouldn’t even cross a puddle for me, when I would not even second-guess draining the ocean for them? I deserve peace. I deserve love. I deserve just as much as I give to those around me. Is this the devolution? To go from kind to evil, to protect myself? When no one else will protect me, is this what I am supposed to do?

Does anyone else think like this? I am cursed to be so self-aware, but it makes me question why other people don’t. Do people around me not think of how their actions and words affect those around them? Do they not understand that they are hurting me as well as others, by belittling every little thing? Though it may seem insignificant to them, it may matter more than life to the other party. Do not mention things that people can’t change about themselves in less than a minute. Why do the most insecure people project onto others? Why do they make them feel less than just so that they can feel better about themselves? I believe that consideration is the most genuine form of love, whether that be love among friends or family.

When will people learn, that change is inevitable? We are supposed to fall, but not push each other into the ground. We’re supposed to rise, but sometimes, that means you have to get up on your own. Accept the help that is offered, love the people who show you grace, thank the people who love you for who you are, who you feel safe with. Appreciate those who encourage you to find the best in yourself, even if you are your breaking point.

Is it good to devolve, to finally become who you are supposed to be? One step forward, three steps back… To go backward is to go forward. Sometimes becoming someone else, seeing in a different perspective, will ultimately make you grow as a person. Consider the ones you love, they aren’t always going to be here.

To my friends and family who consider me. I love you. Thank you for always seeing the best in me, even if I can’t find it in myself.