If I Had the Courage

I have so much to say, but I was conditioned as a child that what I have and need to say will, unfortunately, be overheard. Growing up with the constant surroundings telling me that “there is no reason to be sad” being sent to my room when I was feeling any bit of heightened emotions and not being allowed to be seen or heard without being told that “there is no reason to cry, I will give you a reason to cry” or “you’re being dramatic” or anything aligning with the idea that feeling emotions were a sign of weakness. As I grow and move through the beginning of adulthood, I can only attempt to describe how these moments have shaped me: the difficulty in accepting help, asking to be heard, trusting in genuine kindness, believing that I am capable of being loved without having to ask or do things for it…

There are many situations in which I struggle with. Although there are many pros to being told growing up that I am capable, strong, reliable, and compassionate/empathetic; These characteristics have created a mold I feel I need to live up to and if I don’t portray it correctly, I fall in a hole of feeling like I am not doing enough. Throughout my life, I have been steadily keeping an image of this girl, but the child who was given all these expectations did not deserve to feel trapped in pleasing other people to feel loved.

I think that people think I’m stupid. How can someone willing to give so much love, feel so shitty about themselves? Everyone always says you can’t give love when you don’t have any for yourself, and I think that is so false. I think that people who give constantly, who show up, and who show love, are the people who need it. They are the people (not just from personal experience but from knowing others as well) who need that constant reassurance. These people are often told they are “too much”, “annoying” or “too emotional”, and I think that is unfair to have such a false narrative about someone just because of how they choose to express themselves.

Capable.

Throughout the past few years, I’ve noticed myself fall into this cycle of falling in and out of relationships (both romantic and platonic) due to the need to constantly be doing things for the other party as I have grown up watering everyone else, while my bucket is empty. I can see how I am a problem and I wish I could change that, and I am trying, if I wasn’t I genuinely don’t think I would be here writing this. I wonder if this emptiness I feel will ever go away. I am perfectly capable of driving while I am on empty. It is easier for me to show love in ways that drain myself and sometimes I get lost in this cycle forgetting that I am also a person deserving of the same compassion and love I freely give others. Most of the time, I feel that I am draining everyone around me which isn’t a great feeling to have. Like they always say, “no one wants to be around someone who is drained because the same way hurt people hurt people, drained people drain people.” Being capable of holding onto so much and carrying so much weight on myself, makes me feel like I am trapped and surrounded by glass. The second I’m open to people, it gives them a sense that I am someone they need to save (or so that is how I feel). I let down my walls and I am suddenly someone people can’t speak to, being told that “they’re too worried” that I will not be able to handle what is given to me. What is my calling in life when the one thing I want to do is help people, but they feel they cannot speak or open up to me because they are thinking that I’m the one in need of help? People suddenly feel the urge to walk around me. In a different situation, the people I don’t allow to get to know me often step all over me. That is the weight I cannot take anymore. There are the people who stomp on the glass, making it weaker and weaker until it’s shattered, leaving me vulnerable.

Strong.

Though I have my moments of weakness, I feel that I must put on a strong front, as I said before, any emotions I allowed myself to feel were a sign of weakness growing up. Even through high school and now, many people I allow into my circle can see that I am an emotional wreck, but in a way that I will put on a show rather than show my true emotions in person. If I am being completely honest, the façade of strength I have shown is my true weakness. Putting on a face to mask the defeat I feel just shows how weak I truly am, unable to explain the way I feel and pushing people away. It’s crazy how much people can put on a face of strength when all they want is love. I carry a lot on my shoulders that I leave unsaid or if it is spoken, it barely touches the surface. The people who get to know me can see visually when I have had enough, to the point where at the moment you can see in my eyes that there is nothing. The spark is gone. However, I also have had people in my life who can see this and still shrug it off, assuming I am just being dramatic or weird, or annoying.

Reliable.

I think that I am quite reliable, as if you need me and if I ever tell you if you need me, I will never second guess myself to be there to help others. I am very open to deeper conversations, and I feel comfortable being the person people rely on with emotional topics or just anything in general. Sometimes though, It leaves me truly seeing that people will often take advantage of that. I feel walked over a lot because people my whole life have only kept me around because of the reliability, safety, and stability I can provide. I’ve been told I am a person that friends feel safe with, in a sense of being able to truly show their true selves. I am blessed to be their comfort zone; however, this sometimes makes me feel that I don’t really have those comfort friends—and if I do, I feel as if I am a burden and I am creating issues that they don’t need. I think as a child, I never felt safe being able to rely on the people I was surrounded by. People would turn me down the second I opened my mouth because it was out of place for the reliable daughter, child, friend, to be the one needing someone to rely on.

Compassionate/Empathetic.

Every day I choose to do things out of love. I was told that my biggest strength in a test was empathy. I believe I am an empath, I feel things too much and I care more than I should, and that often leaves me so wholeheartedly broken. However, although I am broken into many pieces, I think no one could truly see how beautiful that is that I can pick up the pieces people leave. I am a montage of every moment of love. It hurts and I don’t think it ever will end, but I guess that’s the beauty of life. Making the most of what you have left. I know this kind of had no flow to put into this paragraph, but the way I see myself is a walking contradiction. I am broken, but I am built from these pieces. I love so strongly, but I feel unloved. I see people clearly and can see past the facades, but I feel unseen.

I’ve one time in my life been asked, “what do YOU really want?” by a lost friend when I was going through a hard time. She proceeded to ask me, “what would you benefit from because no one will know what you need unless you do.” And at first, I didn’t have a solid answer, but two years later leaving me at this moment, I think I figured out an answer.

I am truly a pain in the ass, a person who hides behind a smile, but when the smile fades, it is stuck for a bit. What I want, is not much, it seems like an actual bare minimum, but I want someone to want me for me. In a sense for all relationships (family, friends, loves, strangers), I just want people to care. I am a caretaker, and I love being that, I do. Sometimes I wish people just didn’t second guess being in my life. I can be a lot, but I guess just for the wrong people. I don’t feel loved often, and I (especially this year) have been reminding myself that everyone loves differently, so it’s in the little things that they show their love. I feel like I am hard to love. I love certain parts of myself, and I wish people knew that girl, but it’s just hard. I am capable, strong, reliable, and compassionate/empathetic, but that doesn’t mean I don’t deserve to not be told that it’s okay to not constantly have these traits to be loved. I want to be known and loved, for everything I am, the good and the bad. I am a human being who wants as much as anyone else could want.

I don’t want much. I want people to tell me things that are hard to say because I too am still growing and learning. I want to be better; I want to be a better person for the benefit of life. I have many phases of ins and outs, from when I am happy with living and seeing the best in every moment, to wanting nothing but life to just stop or end. I am not writing this as a suicidal thought or contemplation, but as a source of, I wish people would try to break down my wall regardless of my trying to push or scare them away. I wish people took the chance to get to know me past the front I allow people to see. That people would make time for me. That people would want to be around me for good reasons. Just want me for simply just me.